I hate this.

I hate this so damn much. I don't know what to do anymore, so I just sit on the loo reading. I've been especially trapped in a book called House of Leaves in recent days. All day, all night, only coming out to eat and sleep. I've been sitting on my throne of excrement for so long, the toilet seat bites marks into the backs of my legs, and cuts off the circulation. I scream every time I walk. Not because I feel pain, but because the numbness in my legs just shoots up and down my ankles, like needles that never pierce the skin. I can't describe it as anything other than an unbearable pain... without pain.

Chio's been worried about me. "Ammy-kun! Are you okay? Please come out!" It makes me feel bad that I'm worrying her so, but... Nothing would change. Inside or outside the bathroom, I'm still trapped in this horrible nightmare.

I hate this. I hate it all. I hate not knowing how to confront my fears, having to run away all the time, and... Most importantly, I HATE that girl outside my window every night.

I've shot her before. Or, at least I thought I did. Every single bullet, fired at point blan range, end up in the tree behind her.

The next morning, I woke up with a full clip.

One day, I lunged on her, threw her across the room, and clawed out her throat.

The next morning, there wasn't a single stain of blood on the floor. And she came the next night, anyway.

One night, I gave up trying to kill her, and just asked her what the hell she wanted.

She mouthed out the words "Why have you forgotten me?", with tears in her eyes. For once, she looked more pitiful than menacing.

...

Am I going insane? Is this what it's like in Mahkra Asylum?

I don't know why, but I feel like I need to go back there. I keep telling myself that, even though I may die, ANYTHING is better than this, but... To die and leave Chio behind...